Shame, Shame, I Know Your Game.
This is the hardest post I’ve made so far.
Shame is a hard topic for me. I hate parts of myself and I am working on healing them, but honestly it has not been easy for me.
I spent years feeling ashamed and alone. I had this idea in my head that if I let anyone get close, they would inevitably hurt me. I fought against myself. I would run away from relationships or I would let someone in and then push them away.
I started to add more Shame on top of the shame I already had. I started drinking to numb the pain, and all that did was cause more pain. I was stuck in a vicious cycle.
It wasn’t until a counselor told me that I had it all wrong, did I really start to understand the root of my fears. He taught me about transferred emotions. An idea that was foreign to me.
He explained that when we are young, under the age of 10 or so we don’t understand what shame is. Yes we know the difference between right and wrong. We can feel bad about something and scared of being punished, but at that age, shame is something we can only feel if it is transferred to us by someone else’s actions.
This is not to say you can’t have emotions transferred to you as an adult, you certainly can and it happens all the time.
For me it was the daily abuse, and eventually sexual abuse (at the age of 7),that I suffered from. It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I truly understood what happened. I felt dirty and unclean.
I kept asking myself questions:
Why did this happen to me?
Was I a bad kid?
Did I even deserve to live?
The last thought plagued my mind for almost 15 years and still surfaces now and then.
Not Your Fault
I don’t know if I’ll ever be fully healed, but at least I am trying. One thing I have figured out, is that I am not to blame for my abuse. There was nothing I could have done to change what happened, it wasn’t my fault.
I did make some choices that I am not proud of, and while I probably made some of these choices because of my trauma, they were still my decisions.
I am making amends with my choices in the best way I can, by being a better person. I have been sober for years and while there have been some slip ups, I have never stopped trying to be a better person.
I hope this helps other people who have gone through, or are going through similar situations. While writing this is harder than I thought it would be, it definitely makes me feel better than I thought it would.
So, if anyone out here has been through verbal, mental, physical or sexual abuse, it’s not your fault.
People make choices and no one has the right to abuse you, and you don’t have the right to transfer that emotion on to another, just because you were abused.
Abuse is never an option and you deserve better.
9 thoughts on “Fighting For My Life”
Childhood abuse happens before the mind has developed
Trauma and regular mind developing gets intertwined like an octopus
For us to survive certain parts of our mind got stuck
My father was an abusive, violent narcissist,
My anger was useless, me getting angry could be dangerous around my father
To this day anger feels different than other emotions
I felt unworthy shamed now I am flawed but unworthy or shamed no way
Ur progressing in ur journey
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Thank you for sharing. Yeah I definitely feel stuck in the past some says. I am still deciphering my emotions, but that’s one step forward in the right direction.
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Some days I would have feelings like I was a kid again.
I began to realize my childlike emotions were out front.
Remember trauma is stored at the time it happens.
So the trauma is stored at that age and ability when it happens.
Our goal is to integrate that old trauma, that is bring it to present moment where we have matured and can handle it.
Takes time but you are,peeling the onion back
Keep.going it is not an easy or calm journey
Important part of healing is to forgive whomever has done this (which may be a long and difficult process) and to accept your hurt self fully, especially the part of you that still thinks something is wrong with you. Our true heart has great capacity for compassion, and once you connect with that part of yourself, everything comes to you in a different light.
You had asked in another post about treatments for PTSD – EMDR may be a helpful option. It seems to be successful with variety of PTSD cases, including war veterans. I would be careful with it though.
Thank you for the advice and I agree with you wholeheartedly. I am hoping that as I write this blog and continue my counseling, I will get to that point.
My counselor has actually said most of what you have written here.
I have EMDR, it helped me remember some of my trauma that I didn’t remember, which I think was helpful in the long run, but it put me into a deep depression. I became suicidal, and obsessed with what I had seen. So yeah definitely something to be careful with.
Again,Thank you so much for taking the time to help me out.
Hey man. Just wanted to tell you I really like your posts. I am really impressed with how much you post too! Similarily, I was sexually abused regularly from about age 6 to age 12. Then, when the sexual abuse ended, I was emotionally and physically bullied through the 10th grade. I grew up in hiding and thinking all this was “normal”. Little did I know.
Like you, I carried the trauma and pain into adulthood. I hid myself. I feared relationships and people and hurt people. I felt worthless inside all while keeping up a pretty picture on the outside. I became addicted to pornography to take away the pain, but of course, it didn’t help. Instead, the cycle brought me depression, anxiety, OCD, and toxic shame. I was an adult on the outside but a 6-year old wounded child on the inside.
I am now 45. I didn’t come to realize all that happened to me was not “normal” until I began having marriage trouble and panic attacks two years ago. Since, I’ve been through a lot of EMDR and CBT that continues. I’ve begun peeling the layers away.
I am getting better. I have some good friends now (never did before). My marriage is better. I am able to live in the present. I am finding self discovery and self care fun. I am embracing all that I was made for and all that I wasn’t. Life is exciting again. But, I still deal with toxic shame.
It is there. Speaking out in the dark in every joyus moment; however, thanks to therapy it’s getting easier to talk back to. It’s not as loud as it was, and not as heavy. But, it’s still there. And I can so relate to your writings. Thank you. It is a validating thing to know that you are not the only one. It will get better for you too. You are doing the hard work.
Keep fighting the good fight. You were beautifully and fearfully made. Love that little boy within. There is no one like you and there never will be. Look me up if you ever need to chat.
Strength and Honor,
Someone who knows
Thank you so much. I am in between two doctor appointments, and have it a shit day. So I decided to get on here and maybe right some depressing poetry.
This comment you left means the world to me.
I am so happy when I reach other people. It’s a validating feeling, and I needed that today.
I have OCD also, so I give myself an hour to write everyday and I go for one post on my mental health a day. I do the poetry to center myself.
I’ve been writing daily for over 16 years, but I just started sharing it with the world, so I appreciate the support.
Thank you so much for opening up, it’s always comforting knowing your not the only one, but it’s also sad because I would never wish what we went through and are still going through on anyone.
You keep fighting too, and maybe one day we can both get over the shame.
Thanks man. Sorry your having one of those days where you step in it rather than around it.
I never journaled before and have been making it a habit the last couple years. It has really helped my OCD too. I don’t know if you’ve tried it or not, but I started meditating about a year ago and it has REALLY helped my anxiety and OCD. Not sure if that would be something your into, but its really helped me and I would recommend it for anyone who is walking this road we are on.
I wouldn’t wish it on anyone either; however, walking through it as a survivor and being able to talk about it is one accomplishment in Life that I am proud of. Keep doing the work.
Peace, Love, and all the colors,
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I do meditate, and it helps me focus. It’s helped my ADHD and OCD a lot also. It doesn’t do anything for my anxiety and panic attacks though.
I do some breathing exercises, but I still can’t be touched by strangers or touched by anyone by surprise.
Glad to make some friends on here, thanks again for stoping by.
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