Early Morning Therapy

I have problems sleeping, so I usually wake up very early. I have nightmares every night and I tend to wake up with my heart beating out of my chest.

Today was no exception. After I got up and centered myself, I remembered I had Therapy at 7am, so I quickly grabbed my coffee and jumped into my car.

Btw, I have limited myself to one cup a day to try and cut down on my anxiety.

I am not. Fan of new things, especially new drs. or drs. offices. Today I had both.

They are currently moving to a new building, so in the meantime they are sharing offices.

I always feel awkward with receptionists I don’t know, so I don’t talk much. Also I hate getting touched, so the blood pressure part sucks, but they know my issue, so they do their best to ha e no contact.

Like I said before, I have a new Dr. She’s nice, but I feel like she rushes me through the process. My old Dr. would take her time, and give me the time I needed to express myself.

I have daily panic attacks and we are trying to find a med that can help address that issue. I am already on meds for my ADHD, PTSD, OCD and anxiety. This helps but it doesn’t help with the big issues.

I know it sounds like I am a mess, but I am doing so much better then before. I actually can socialize even though I don’t always like it. Also I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts lately.

So I mumbled my way through the process and didn’t feel as good as I usually do. That never lasts long anyway. I always feel drained and down about an hour later.

All part of the process.

I didn’t even feel like writing today, but I need to. This has been great therapy for me. I can definitely feel a difference. This blog gives me a purpose to write and share my story.

I am starting to feel better, appreciate all the support, change takes time, and one day I am going to be able to make it through life without any meds, but for now I take it one day at a time.

Have a great day.

11 thoughts on “Early Morning Therapy

  1. mygeminiandi says:

    Reading your post was like talking to a friend. I understand nightly nightmares, I understand panic attacks, I understand PTSD.
    I know that darkness… For decades… And I have now living in light most of the time. I know severe panic disorder, major depressive disorders with suicidal ideation… I am happy your blog gives you an outlet.
    Thank you 🙏❤

    Liked by 1 person

      • mygeminiandi says:

        This is another poem I felt compelled to share. I do hope that is ok.

        Heavy
        There are those days
        It feels hard to breathe
        Some are worse than others
        It is like living in a dream
        Not the kind with fairies
        But with nightmarish schemes

        They come from nowhere
        Like rain on a summer day
        Out of the darkness
        Where words are hard to say
        So it’s easier not to speak
        Where everything is so heavy

        How hard can it be
        To verbalize the pain
        Of wanting to be free
        Yet waking up again
        Caught in a space
        Somewhere inbetween

        This is the anxiety
        That is called depression
        Where the beating of your heart
        Comes in quick secession
        No one ever wants this
        Or the feeling of being a burden

        The suffering hearts
        Are so often near
        But even more unnoticed
        By so many who are unaware
        Until they stand on a ledge
        Screaming to disappear

        Words must be spoken
        For a chance of being heard
        Since we can’t read minds
        We have to use the words
        With a pen and paper
        I find my cure

        In a world lost
        I am not hopeless
        Silence is so lonely
        But we have choices
        As muffled as they are
        God gave us voices
        Katherine Spitzer 4/28/18

        #poetry #life #depression #hope

        Like

  2. mygeminiandi says:

    I hope you will read

    If you are struggling, or hurting, or numb, filled with anxiety… Or you have been, this is for you.

    Alive

    The clouds
    Move across my mind
    In between
    The sky and I

    Long enough
    To lose sight
    Of the horizon
    Before my eyes

    Too many times
    In my life
    Were so dark
    In the sunshine

    The days
    At least I think
    Of in between
    On the brink

    Where I lost
    All sense of time
    In the shadows
    Of day and night

    In deep pain
    And suffering
    With every breath
    Came a sting

    Frequently
    That very sting
    Was the only way
    I knew I was breathing

    Life was someplace
    Dark and light
    Of nothingness but
    For the tears I cried

    You cannot know
    This place
    Unless you have been
    Lost in this maze

    A maze of
    Crevices and cracks
    Eternally spinning
    A mind trap

    With such speed
    And dizziness
    Waiting to awake
    A brutal suspense

    Where up is down
    Left is right
    A go means stop kind of
    Haziness of life

    It matters not
    Who loves you
    It matters only
    If you can love you too

    I have walked
    So far and long
    To be exactly
    Where I belong

    It is the same
    Old place I’ve always been
    That I see so differently
    Than I did then

    I was so
    Blinded by pain
    Completely numbing
    My heart and brain

    For as long as
    I can even remember
    Deep inside
    I’ve carried fear

    I was able to
    Keep it from
    Destroying me
    When I was young

    I learned to be
    Fast on my feet
    Smiling and joking
    So you didn’t see

    The times I felt
    I could not breathe
    The nights that I
    Cried myself to sleep

    If you hadn’t
    Watched me fall
    I may have really
    Fooled you all

    I know I tried
    My very best
    To hide my
    Emotional unrest

    I have been
    In this place
    But have eclipsed
    That empty space

    For those who
    Have stood by me
    My grateful heart
    Loves you eternally

    It has been
    A bumpy ride
    Without you I’d have
    Surely lost the fight

    Life is now
    No longer colorless
    There is beauty
    There is music

    More than lucky
    I am blessed
    I can see that now
    If I couldn’t back then

    God has been
    By my side
    For every smile
    Or tear I’ve cried

    He has placed ones
    Intentionally
    To be exactly where
    I needed them to be

    Those who have
    Helped to open my eyes
    To challenge the fear
    I have carried inside

    They are the angels
    Shimmering at night
    That God has given me
    As my nightlight

    Each new day
    I am also amazed
    By my earthly angels
    Who shared this journey

    I believe that you
    Know who you are
    You’ve shined so bright
    My light, my stars

    I want you to know
    You mean everything
    By birth or heart
    You are my family.
    Katherine Spitzer
    6/19/19

    Like

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