I have problems sleeping, so I usually wake up very early. I have nightmares every night and I tend to wake up with my heart beating out of my chest.
Today was no exception. After I got up and centered myself, I remembered I had Therapy at 7am, so I quickly grabbed my coffee and jumped into my car.
Btw, I have limited myself to one cup a day to try and cut down on my anxiety.
I am not. Fan of new things, especially new drs. or drs. offices. Today I had both.
They are currently moving to a new building, so in the meantime they are sharing offices.
I always feel awkward with receptionists I don’t know, so I don’t talk much. Also I hate getting touched, so the blood pressure part sucks, but they know my issue, so they do their best to ha e no contact.
Like I said before, I have a new Dr. She’s nice, but I feel like she rushes me through the process. My old Dr. would take her time, and give me the time I needed to express myself.
I have daily panic attacks and we are trying to find a med that can help address that issue. I am already on meds for my ADHD, PTSD, OCD and anxiety. This helps but it doesn’t help with the big issues.
I know it sounds like I am a mess, but I am doing so much better then before. I actually can socialize even though I don’t always like it. Also I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts lately.
So I mumbled my way through the process and didn’t feel as good as I usually do. That never lasts long anyway. I always feel drained and down about an hour later.
All part of the process.
I didn’t even feel like writing today, but I need to. This has been great therapy for me. I can definitely feel a difference. This blog gives me a purpose to write and share my story.
I am starting to feel better, appreciate all the support, change takes time, and one day I am going to be able to make it through life without any meds, but for now I take it one day at a time.
Have a great day.
One Regular Dad 
Reading your post was like talking to a friend. I understand nightly nightmares, I understand panic attacks, I understand PTSD.
I know that darkness… For decades… And I have now living in light most of the time. I know severe panic disorder, major depressive disorders with suicidal ideation… I am happy your blog gives you an outlet.
Thank you 🙏❤
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Thank you so much, it’s always nice to know we are not alone out here.
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This is another poem I felt compelled to share. I do hope that is ok.
Heavy
There are those days
It feels hard to breathe
Some are worse than others
It is like living in a dream
Not the kind with fairies
But with nightmarish schemes
They come from nowhere
Like rain on a summer day
Out of the darkness
Where words are hard to say
So it’s easier not to speak
Where everything is so heavy
How hard can it be
To verbalize the pain
Of wanting to be free
Yet waking up again
Caught in a space
Somewhere inbetween
This is the anxiety
That is called depression
Where the beating of your heart
Comes in quick secession
No one ever wants this
Or the feeling of being a burden
The suffering hearts
Are so often near
But even more unnoticed
By so many who are unaware
Until they stand on a ledge
Screaming to disappear
Words must be spoken
For a chance of being heard
Since we can’t read minds
We have to use the words
With a pen and paper
I find my cure
In a world lost
I am not hopeless
Silence is so lonely
But we have choices
As muffled as they are
God gave us voices
Katherine Spitzer 4/28/18
#poetry #life #depression #hope
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I have definitely felt like this before. That last stanza is so true, we always have choices.
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It is hard to realize in the midst of struggle
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I hope you will read
If you are struggling, or hurting, or numb, filled with anxiety… Or you have been, this is for you.
Alive
The clouds
Move across my mind
In between
The sky and I
Long enough
To lose sight
Of the horizon
Before my eyes
Too many times
In my life
Were so dark
In the sunshine
The days
At least I think
Of in between
On the brink
Where I lost
All sense of time
In the shadows
Of day and night
In deep pain
And suffering
With every breath
Came a sting
Frequently
That very sting
Was the only way
I knew I was breathing
Life was someplace
Dark and light
Of nothingness but
For the tears I cried
You cannot know
This place
Unless you have been
Lost in this maze
A maze of
Crevices and cracks
Eternally spinning
A mind trap
With such speed
And dizziness
Waiting to awake
A brutal suspense
Where up is down
Left is right
A go means stop kind of
Haziness of life
It matters not
Who loves you
It matters only
If you can love you too
I have walked
So far and long
To be exactly
Where I belong
It is the same
Old place I’ve always been
That I see so differently
Than I did then
I was so
Blinded by pain
Completely numbing
My heart and brain
For as long as
I can even remember
Deep inside
I’ve carried fear
I was able to
Keep it from
Destroying me
When I was young
I learned to be
Fast on my feet
Smiling and joking
So you didn’t see
The times I felt
I could not breathe
The nights that I
Cried myself to sleep
If you hadn’t
Watched me fall
I may have really
Fooled you all
I know I tried
My very best
To hide my
Emotional unrest
I have been
In this place
But have eclipsed
That empty space
For those who
Have stood by me
My grateful heart
Loves you eternally
It has been
A bumpy ride
Without you I’d have
Surely lost the fight
Life is now
No longer colorless
There is beauty
There is music
More than lucky
I am blessed
I can see that now
If I couldn’t back then
God has been
By my side
For every smile
Or tear I’ve cried
He has placed ones
Intentionally
To be exactly where
I needed them to be
Those who have
Helped to open my eyes
To challenge the fear
I have carried inside
They are the angels
Shimmering at night
That God has given me
As my nightlight
Each new day
I am also amazed
By my earthly angels
Who shared this journey
I believe that you
Know who you are
You’ve shined so bright
My light, my stars
I want you to know
You mean everything
By birth or heart
You are my family.
Katherine Spitzer
6/19/19
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That’s very beautiful, You can definitely feel the pain, sorrow and love.
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Please feel free to share with me 💗💗💗
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Thank you for sharing! You are definitely not a mess and not alone in the beautiful disaster we call life.
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Thank you, it’s always nice to know that we are not alone.
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I agree xoxo
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