I’ve written about my addiction, in the past. Addiction is something you carry with you for life. It has a real hold over you. It’s not psychosomatic, it’s a legitimate issue. Especially for us in the mental health community.
It’s easy to fall into the grips of drugs and especially alcohol when you’re suffering from depression, PTSD and I am sure a whole list of other mental and physical issues.
I do want to make one thing clear though, I am not saying it’s an excuse, but it’s an easy trap to fall into.
I made a choice to stop polluting my body with every toxin that was within arms reach. I continue to make the choice, some days I stumble, but I have had less of those days.
I still struggle with alcohol. I don’t drink every day or even every month, but at social functions I sometimes need the help. I want to get to a point where I don’t need the crutch, I am just not there yet.
I don’t beat myself up about it, I am just aware of it. It’s been years since I’ve gotten drunk, and over a decade since I’ve done what I would consider hard drugs.
I am now at a point where I don’t take any medications that are not subscribed to me and I have learned, not to be prescribed habit forming medications.
I’ve been prescribed Adderall and Zanax in the past. It wasn’t a good fit for me. If I have the medications near me, I have a real hard time keeping my will strong enough to not abuse them.
Anyway, I have been really happy with my progress so far and I just passed a huge test last month.
I had shoulder surgery and they prescribed me some pain killers. I was terrified of this, because it had been a long time since I had taken any, and back then I was taking handfuls of them.
I did it though!
I followed the directions to the T. I had some rough spots, but I didn’t give in. Once I finished my script, I didn’t crave them like I had in the past. I was still in pain, but it was manageable.
That being said. As soon as my shoulder stopped hurting, every other joint in my body pitched in.
One second my wrist hurts, then my ankle, neck, hips, fingers etc.
Sometimes it makes sense. Like right now my wrists hurt, because I am typing. Other times it makes no sense, like my ankle is on fire too.
(As always, not complaining, just trying to paint the picture.)
The pain has gotten way more frequent over the last week, at this point I am always in some form of pain.
There lies my dilemma.
Part of me wants to make a phone call and go get some pain killers. Not the dr., but other people. I am not going to, that’s the choice I’ve made, but each day it gets harder.
I am in between lab results, but I have been prescribed Prednisone, which I just started taking.
I was told that it will either work quickly and take all the pain away, or it will take some pain away over the next few days. I want the pain to go away, but I am scared to death of all the pain going away.
Let me back up and explain why.
The Dr. told me if it works quickly and all of the pain goes away, I most likely have an autoimmune disease. I have a lot of experience with this, seeing as my wife has had RA for almost a decade. That means it would be for life.
Of course there’s no certainties, I could still have something serious even if I still have pain. I have 3 months until I see Rheumatology, so I am trying to relax.
Half of me wants the pain to go away and the other half is praying it doesn’t. For now I am just focusing on the present, and enjoying the blessings I do have.
I will not let pain or addiction dictate my life. My happiness is my choice, and I choose to embrace the warmth of my family, and live life my way.
Thanks for stopping by. Hope you have a great day.