I’ve had many ups and downs. Some days I feel like I am slipping back into the void.
When I say “void”, I am talking about the dark pit I’ve fallen into in the past. A place I haven’t been back to in years.
I have visited this vile hellhole and gotten my toes wet, but I haven’t been fully submerged.
I feel like I have a lifeline now; support from my family, therapy and meds.
I’ve been able to avoid being sucked in, but Every panic attack and trigger scares the living shit out of me.
Let me explain why I am so terrified of going back to that place. I am a recovering addict and when I was drunk and high I did things I am ashamed of.
There were a lot of lows back then and even some thoughts of suicide, but I always felt like me, not the best me, but me.
About 6 years ago I had been depressed, but not suicidal. I was on no meds and no therapy. I was clean at that point, no drugs.
My wife was reading this true crime book (not really my thing, but it was there), I read one paragraph and I fell deeper then I’ve ever fallen in my life.
I’ve been triggered more times then I can count, but this was like being shot in the soul. I had a panic attack and when that subsided things got worst.
I felt like I was sleepwalking through life. I started hearing voices and hallucinating that night. The next day those voices stayed, taking up residency in my mind.
I am not going to go into what I heard and saw, because it’s way to vile and terrible. Needless to say I was terrified.
Sleeping was no better. I’ve had Nightmares since I was a kid, but that night I had night terrors for the first time I can remember.
I would wake up screaming in the middle of the night only to see demons in the shadows. These also lasted during the entire episode.
My life was a living nightmare. I prayed this would stop and I spent many nights holding a knife to my wrist, just wanting to be free. I am not proud of it, but I am still here, so that says something.
My wife and daughter are the only reason I am still alive. I couldn’t put them through that pain, but I came way to close.
I will admit that I relapsed once during that time, and It was the worse decision I made. Let’s just say it only exasperated the issue.
There was no fix, no bandaid during this time. I felt like a dingy trying to stay afloat during a hurricane.
This “episode” lasted about 6 months, easily the worst part of my life so far.
I am in a much better place and I am way more open about my past then I ever was, but that fear still lingers.
I take it day by day. The reason I share this is to let anyone who’s in a difficult place know that they are not alone.
You can survive, you have to survive.
My message to you is: don’t give up, seek out help and choose to live.
I also want to say, thank you to everyone for the support.
Have a great day.
One Regular Dad 
Hugs.
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I pray the Lord grant you more and more recovery. God bless you for sharing!
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I was clinically depressed from childhood until I was 36 years old. From the age of 10 I thought of ending my life. I remember holding a .357 magnum in my tiny hands with the barrel in my mouth. I didn’t have the physical strength to cock the gun. I was 10. At 28 I finally couldn’t go on. In the process of calling my friends to tell them goodbye one of them figured out where I was by promising to take me to the beach to die by the ocean. Instead she took me to the hospital where it took a half dozen orderlies to restrain me. I don’t remember that part but that was how much I wanted to die. I woke up strapped to a hospital bed.
At the age of 36 I had been married for six years to a woman who wouldn’t stop bugging me to go to church. I would go, for her sake, until one day when I couldn’t handle it any more. On that day, I became a Christian. It wasn’t a typical stand up and say, “I accept Christ as my Savior.” I cannot explain what happened except to say that I was listening, as usual, to a message at church and then found myself inexplicably on the floor crying. I felt a love never felt before. No one disturbed me as I laid there in a heap for hours crying.
I don’t know if it was that exact day, but I have never again been stricken with the depression that weighed so heavily on my soul. I experience sadness as people do in healthy ways now and I know that it was the love of God that delivered me from that depression and all of the other “mental’ issues I once had.
I pray for God’s healing touch upon you, Jesse, right now. In the name of Jesus. May you walk in the blessings of God and be delivered from all that plagues you and know Him, His salvation and deliverance. -Amen
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That’s a tough situation to go through. To struggle with that from childhood, but you definitely seem to be in a much better place now.
I am also in a much better place then I was 6 years ago.
This road we travel can be a very bumpy one, but I feel like I am on the right path.
Thanks for all the support.
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It was a tough road to travel, and I’m in a much better place now.
I’m glad that you’re in a better place than you were six years ago!
We need to support each other and be strong. I’m glad that you have the support you need.
I’m always glad to speak life.
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Did you hop into my brain and write about what you experienced? I can totally relate to everything that you are saying. Currently it feels like I am standing on a precipice– after unexpectedly losing my Mom I almost feel entitled to a relapse. That’s a good reason, people would understand. But that would mean I lose everything I worked so hard to build. I would lose the job I love. I would disappoint countless individuals. I would not be honoring her memory. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t had a few drinks– which is a super slippery slope because this addict is also an alcoholic– but I don’t want to be skating on thin ice. I want off the ice altogether.
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Yeah it’s a tough road. I have friends I can’t even associate with any more because they don’t get it. They want the party to continue, but for me it’s just not an option.
No kidding, that slope is slick as hell.
At least where not alone on this path, keep up the fight.
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Stay strong and try to forgive yourself. 🖤
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I can identify with the core-deep, cold fear of psychosis. I’m glad things are a little better for you now, I hope your recovery is a kind ride up from here.
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Thank you. It’s always good to know we’re not alone. I hope things are going good for you too.
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