I’ve had many ups and downs. Some days I feel like I am slipping back into the void.
When I say “void”, I am talking about the dark pit I’ve fallen into in the past. A place I haven’t been back to in years.
I have visited this vile hellhole and gotten my toes wet, but I haven’t been fully submerged.
I feel like I have a lifeline now; support from my family, therapy and meds.
I’ve been able to avoid being sucked in, but Every panic attack and trigger scares the living shit out of me.
Let me explain why I am so terrified of going back to that place. I am a recovering addict and when I was drunk and high I did things I am ashamed of.
There were a lot of lows back then and even some thoughts of suicide, but I always felt like me, not the best me, but me.
About 6 years ago I had been depressed, but not suicidal. I was on no meds and no therapy. I was clean at that point, no drugs.
My wife was reading this true crime book (not really my thing, but it was there), I read one paragraph and I fell deeper then I’ve ever fallen in my life.
I’ve been triggered more times then I can count, but this was like being shot in the soul. I had a panic attack and when that subsided things got worst.
I felt like I was sleepwalking through life. I started hearing voices and hallucinating that night. The next day those voices stayed, taking up residency in my mind.
I am not going to go into what I heard and saw, because it’s way to vile and terrible. Needless to say I was terrified.
Sleeping was no better. I’ve had Nightmares since I was a kid, but that night I had night terrors for the first time I can remember.
I would wake up screaming in the middle of the night only to see demons in the shadows. These also lasted during the entire episode.
My life was a living nightmare. I prayed this would stop and I spent many nights holding a knife to my wrist, just wanting to be free. I am not proud of it, but I am still here, so that says something.
My wife and daughter are the only reason I am still alive. I couldn’t put them through that pain, but I came way to close.
I will admit that I relapsed once during that time, and It was the worse decision I made. Let’s just say it only exasperated the issue.
There was no fix, no bandaid during this time. I felt like a dingy trying to stay afloat during a hurricane.
This “episode” lasted about 6 months, easily the worst part of my life so far.
I am in a much better place and I am way more open about my past then I ever was, but that fear still lingers.
I take it day by day. The reason I share this is to let anyone who’s in a difficult place know that they are not alone.
You can survive, you have to survive.
My message to you is: don’t give up, seek out help and choose to live.
I also want to say, thank you to everyone for the support.
Have a great day.