Down but Never Out

The Resolution

So it’s been almost a month since I posted.

It sucks how a couple days of not writing can turn into a week, a month and so forth.

I didn’t want to let that happen, and this blog means too much to me to allow myself to give up on it.

The funny thing is I had started writing a list of 10 ways to keep your resolutions and more importantly keep them going past January.

Of course my resolution was to write more and consistently. To get ahead of my posting schedule and not put it off to the last minute.

Well I have now crowned myself the self proclaimed “King of Irony”.

But I will not sulk, but hold my crowned head up high.

I still have it drafted up and I am going to post it soon, because honestly the worse thing we can do is give up on our goals and dreams, and it takes constant vigilance.

If it’s worth doing you will surly have speed bumps and setbacks, but as long as you can push forward it’s possible to accomplish most anything.

So there is a reason I initially stopped writing and it has nothing to do with resolutions.

Writing Through the Pain

As most of you know I write this blog for two reasons.

The first reason is to get my emotions onto the page and trying to get my poems and stories published.

The second and more important reason is to help work through my anxiety, depression and PTSD.

Also I am currently trying to figure out why I have chronic joint, spine and back pain. So I am journaling and keeping a pain diary.

On top of this I’ve been having terrible headaches for the last year, accompanied by this foul stench.

They initially brushed it off as a sinus infection. So antibiotics were given, and was told to use Flonase and over the counter migraine meds.

So the pain never completely went away, but it was manageable. The smell persisted though.

This all started last January so I’ve been dealing with it, it’s just more meds to take and a foul smell most days.

Instead of bringing it up, I put it on the back burner. After two rounds of antibiotics a year apart, and a rampant increase in the migraines I had to figure out what was going on.

So I got referred to an ENT and after some CTs, it was apparent I needed surgery ASAP.

Not to get to graphic but My sinuses were packed with puss, hence the smell. Also the infection was almost past my ocular nerve and spreading closer to my brain.

I broke my nose when I was a kid and it was never taken care or even acknowledged.

So now 17 years later I have to have surgery and hope the bone grows back correctly.

I just slipped into a depression. Which my family help pull me out of.

But still I couldn’t focus on my writing or anything else. As the surgery got closer my anxiety got out of control, to the point I wasn’t sleeping and the panic attacks were getting just beyond terrible.

In the middle of this my counselor left and the place I go to is closing.

All of my outlets were gone and my demons started to fester much like the infection in my sinuses.

It’s just been a messy January. I thought I was done with my blog. I gave up on it and in some ways I gave up on myself.

Every time I would go online I would avoid my blog and all blogs like the plague.

So what changed? That’s a valid question.

Funny enough I haven’t slept in two days. My pain was through the roof and I was flipping shit this morning.

There I was sitting alone at the hospital, because today I had my surgery. It’s crazy but I felt like a big portion of my anxiety surgically removed.

Yes I am obviously still in pain, but mentally I leveled out. I was sure I was going to crash and burn, but I didn’t and now I am slowly getting back on course.

Everyone at the hospital was amazing and they were very patient with me while I stumbled through their questions.

My mom and dad were there when I got up and my loving wife and daughter have been the best parts of my life always.

So I have a great support system!

And all of you, my readers.

I owe it to all of you to keep writing, inspiring and helping as many people as I can in our community of writers, poets and of course people struggling with their mental health.

I look a mess, but I wanted to give all my subscribers a thumbs up for sticking with me. Love you all.

No matter how much you stumble, you have the choice to stand up and keep moving forward.

If you need any help and you think that I can help, always feel free to reach out to me.

You’re the best readers a writer could ask for.

Hope you’re having a great day!

Published by Jesse Breck

Jesse has been writing for over 15 years. He runs CopyThat. A website that offers his skills as a freelance writer.

16 thoughts on “Down but Never Out”

  7. Cocktails With Hemingway says:
    Reply

    I so needed to hear this. After losing my mother in September I threw myself into work to avoid dealing with it. It’s ungodly how many classes I taught– to say I was burning the candle at both ends seems like an understatement. Yet I could only live in denial for so long before the reality that Mom wasn’t here started to infiltrate my brain. That horror combined with the insane workload woke the sleeping demon. “Maybe I should do small amounts of a particular substance so I can stay up for days on end and work even more!”

    I’m sure you know where that brilliant idea lead me.

    Not even a month later I was unemployed, living in a squat house, and doing all sorts of morally questionable things. Oh, and it goes without saying I was not on my mental health meds. It always gets progressively worse…and what it once took me a few years to achieve now happened in a couple of weeks.

    Somehow I managed to survive and ended up in detox. Now I have 20 days clean & sober, am in IOP three times a week, get a Vivitrol shot each month, and see my therapist regularly. Shame and guilt kept me from blogging but it’s time to return.

    The fact that I just spilled my guts in a ridiculously long comment was more cathartic than my meeting today. You have helped me. Thank you for letting me speak my truth and continuing to share yours.

    ~ Sloane

    Liked by 1 person

    • One Regular Dad says:
      Reply

      First off, I am sorry for your loss. It’s always hard when we lose a loved one and i can’t even imagine the pain of losing a parent.

      That being said, I know all to well what it feels like to slip. Its shitty because every time it happens it feels like all of the progress you made in the past is gone.
      Of course that’s a lie, one I’ve told myself more then once, fuck more then ten times.

      I am so happy you were able to find your way out and are now back on track.

      Congrats on being 20 days sober!

      One thing blogging has taught me that I always feel better when I write my emotions, problems and just my life in general down. Sharing it is so freeing and it feels like you understand that too.

      I am so glad that I could help, feel free to spill your guts in my comments section whenever you want.

      I look forward to reading your future blog posts, you got this.

      Liked by 1 person

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