
Some days I seem to be doing amazing, everything clicks and I feel like I might be able to escape the nightmarish landscape that is my mind.
I usually get overly excited and try to embrace the world around me. I grab these moments and hold them tightly, because they never last. I eventually crash and burn.
I feel like a bird that lives in a clear dome. I can see the sky, but I can’t feel the wind in my hair or the sun on my face. I feel like life teases me, until I summon the strength to try and fly again.
The Prison
That’s when I smash into “The Dome”. That’s what I call the barrier that keeps me from wandering into the real world. It’s my own personal prison! Lucky me.
This used to piss me off and I would fight it, doing whatever I could to try and escape, but the more I fought the thicker the dome became.
Now, I haven’t given up and I am not saying I’ll never fly out of this place, but over the years I have shifted my perspective.
When I was a kid I suffered physical, mental and sexual abuse. I was 7 when it started. I didn’t understand that any of this was abnormal, but some part of my brain did.
Every time I was abused I would retreat a little further inside my mind and eventually my mind put up walls to protect me. To try and shut out the pain and shame that I was being saturated in.
The Shield
That was how “The Dome” was created. It wasn’t meant to be a prison, it was my shield. It wasn’t meant to smother me, but to swaddle me. Lucky me.
I am getting to the point in my life where I am not trying to rip this dome down and be free, but I also don’t want to live in my own little world.
With therapy and the right meds I have made a window. Now I can reach out and feel the breeze, let someone in without letting them fully in.
After 25 years of keeping the world out, this has been a huge step for me.
Hopefully I can build a door soon, but maybe I won’t add a welcome mat.;)
Seriously though. I want you all to know that no matter how terrible the world is, and how separated you feel from everyone, you can find your way through.
Sometimes the difference between a wall that helps and one that hinders is where your standing.
—Jesse
Never give up
Never give in
Congratulation you have earned this
You have strengths from enduring your abuse
In a while you will understand this
Keep going
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