The Dome

Some days I seem to be doing amazing, everything clicks and I feel like I might be able to escape the nightmarish landscape that is my mind.

I usually get overly excited and try to embrace the world around me. I grab these moments and hold them tightly, because they never last. I eventually crash and burn.

I feel like a bird that lives in a clear dome. I can see the sky, but I can’t feel the wind in my hair or the sun on my face. I feel like life teases me, until I summon the strength to try and fly again.

The Prison

That’s when I smash into “The Dome”. That’s what I call the barrier that keeps me from wandering into the real world. It’s my own personal prison! Lucky me.

This used to piss me off and I would fight it, doing whatever I could to try and escape, but the more I fought the thicker the dome became.

Now, I haven’t given up and I am not saying I’ll never fly out of this place, but over the years I have shifted my perspective.

When I was a kid I suffered physical, mental and sexual abuse. I was 7 when it started. I didn’t understand that any of this was abnormal, but some part of my brain did.

Every time I was abused I would retreat a little further inside my mind and eventually my mind put up walls to protect me. To try and shut out the pain and shame that I was being saturated in.

The Shield

That was how “The Dome” was created. It wasn’t meant to be a prison, it was my shield. It wasn’t meant to smother me, but to swaddle me. Lucky me.

I am getting to the point in my life where I am not trying to rip this dome down and be free, but I also don’t want to live in my own little world.

With therapy and the right meds I have made a window. Now I can reach out and feel the breeze, let someone in without letting them fully in.

After 25 years of keeping the world out, this has been a huge step for me.

Hopefully I can build a door soon, but maybe I won’t add a welcome mat.;)

Seriously though. I want you all to know that no matter how terrible the world is, and how separated you feel from everyone, you can find your way through.

Sometimes the difference between a wall that helps and one that hinders is where your standing.

—Jesse

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