Choices

This has been very stressful couple of weeks. Obviously I am not alone in being stressed, the stress level here in the states is increasing daily.

I feel for everyone that’s going through this or watching loved ones fight it. My wife is on immunosuppressants so we’ve made sure to be extra diligent, but she’s had a flare up, which she gets fairly regularly, but it is respiratory so we are keeping an eye on it.

It doesn’t seem to be covid19, and going to the ER is the worst thing she could do, so we sit at home and wait. I watched the flu kick her ass a few years ago. She was in bad shape and could hardly walk, but she didn’t have to be hospitalized, so it could have been worse.

I’ve had a tooth infection for almost two weeks also, and am on my third course of antibiotics this year. I had my surgery in January, so I am worried I might need another surgery.

This is just a shitty time to be sick. I have a big life choice coming up. I need to decide if I will go back to work. They are going to terminate me if I don’t, but I do t know if I can physically handle it anymore. I don’t know how long my wife will be out of work, so we definitely need the money.

I make good money but it leaves me with very little family time. When I was working, I was sleeping 4 hours a night, working 9 hours on my feet and then coming home and homeschooling my daughter. I’d go to sleep when my wife came home so we hardly saw each other. So that put a lot of stress on our marriage and my mental state.

Now our marriage is the best it’s been in years and I feel like I am getting a better hold on my mental health. The funny thing is I love to work, and I’ve been at my job for over 6 years and I love it. I’ve always believed that with hard work and dedication you can accomplish anything, and that’s what I’ve done for years.

The problem is I’ve had time to reflect and I wonder if I was working myself to the bone to try and escape my issues. Doing everything I could to numb the pain. I traded drugs and booze for long hours and praise.

The thing is if I go back now I’ll probably never leave, but if I don’t go back I risk being able to provide for my family.

So it’s been crazy here but I don’t write this to complain, for I know there are people that have it far worse then me and I am blessed with a loving family and opportunities.

I always think better after I write, so I am doing this as a release. A way to see my problems from a different angle.

We all have lives and Decisions to make. Pain and happiness that has nothing to do with this pandemic. So while it’s something we have to take seriously, we also need to take ourselves seriously also.

This is a little all over the place, but I am trying to catch up for two weeks of posts. Hope your all doing okay and my prayers go out to all of you. As always stay positive and safe.

3 thoughts on “Choices

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