When Giving up Seems Practical

I have days where I jump out of bed running with a list in one hand and a sledgehammer in the other. I just feel like I can tackle any problem that comes my way, with ease and poise. I am positive, assertive and happy.

Other days I can’t move. I just don’t want to face the bleak possibilities of the world. I feel like the walls around me are closing in, and I wish they would get it over with and crush me already. I think and feel too much on these days. Every thought and emotion erodes my mental landscape. Every small problem seems like an insurmountable mountain.

Almost every day starts off as one of these days, a positive day or a negative day. It’s frustrating, especially when I am trying to teach my daughter or working on a project. I can usually rally enough energy to sludge through it, and my daughter always makes me feel better.

On the other hand, when I have a big event to go to, these days can be devastating. If I go, I am likely to break down in a corner somewhere, trying to not look weak in front of my family. If I don’t go I feel like I am letting everyone down and I’ll be judged harshly. I’ve missed some events I wished I had gone to, and I’ve acted in ways at some events I wish I hadn’t.

I said I start most days one of two ways, but I try and slowly work towards a gray area by the end of the day. I remind myself to slow down and enjoy life’s moments, when I am running through the day on a high. Those days where I want to jump into a hole and cover myself with dirt, I try and remind myself I am blessed. I have a family that loves me and is here for me.

I remember that it’s not how you start the day that matters, it’s how you finish it. I just have to remember that giving up is never practical.