Last Night

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back.

I went to a wedding last night. I had some reservations about going, and those are written here:

Read my post about my social anxiety here

The wedding ceremony was beautiful and it was nice to watch two people who clearly loved each other embark on the path of life together.

Then the reception started and I couldn’t handle the thought of sitting at a table comprised of my wife’s coworkers. I just don’t do well with people who all know each other, and I feel like an outsider.

I forgot my anxiety medications, and I wouldn’t have stayed, but I wasn’t about to leave my wife there.

So, I did what I didn’t want to do, and got myself a drink. I don’t know if it was the best decision, but I couldn’t handle it. I was able to get through the reception just find, but I am not proud that I slipped off the wagon.

I am trying to look at the positives, and not beat myself up about it. I know that in the past when I have made slip ups getting too upset just worsened the situation, creating more opportunities to mess up.

One of the things I am proud of is that I only had two drinks and a little champagne, but I stopped after that. In the past I wouldn’t have stopped, I would have drunk myself stupid.

Also I didn’t push my wife away or act like an idiot. She told me she was proud of me and while she knows I am fighting addiction, I am makeing big strides forward.

I don’t want a drink, so that’s good.

I almost didn’t post about this. I was embarrassed, I did t want to look like a failure, but I think it’s important that I am honest on this blog, as it’s part of my therapy.

I have counseling tomorrow, so I’ll be honest with my counselor, and not dwell on my mistake.

I am not happy that I took a step back, but I have to look at this as an important lesson and take two steps forward.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it really means a lot to me.

6 thoughts on “Last Night

  1. Marty says:

    First off, congratulations, have gratitude and pride you went.

    Be easy on yourself. Half the battle happens before an event. It is what our mind conjures up, the what if’s. We see worst case scenarios and make ourselves sort of hypervigilance.

    We are tense, anxious and then more vulnerable if something happens.

    We are experts at spotting danger, even when danger is not present.

    Try to focus and let go. Stop judging yourself.

    Shower yourself with kindness

    I imagine I am wrapped in a blanket of acceptance and kindness.

    We think people can take our soul, but they can not touch who we really are.

    Avoidance, not going to that wedding would of done more damage to you in the long run.

    This is a journey and PTSD is a anxious mirage we journey as a companion.

    My take is you faced your fears and so what if you had a drink, those pills will lose their effectiveness in due time, healing and happiness are an internal journey.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Marty says:

        Good to have a mate who supports you

        You are in the path and seeing a therapist

        Good for you

        Does your therapist use a mindfulness hybrid therapy like acceptance and commitment or DBT

        They are cognitive behavioral based but add mindfulness to the equation

        Have you tried meditating

        Using ur focus to improve and change the mind?

        Liked by 1 person

      • One Regular Dad says:

        He does and I do meditate, I try and use relaxation exercises before I go to bed and visualization in the morning.

        Breathing exercises sometimes help me when I am anxious.

        Other times nothing works, so I am working on it. Thanks again for great advice.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Marty says:

        Wonderful. You are doing the right things

        I find the hardest thing for people is change, actually taking action

        You are on the path. I encourage you to continue

        It is not easy

        Liked by 1 person

  2. maria pavlova says:

    It is wonderful that your wife is so supportive.
    Drinking couple drink at a wedding is not a big mistake, if a mistake at all. You are only human, remember to be kind to yourself. The going is what’s important.
    Another thing to remember – people dont care/think about you as much as your anxious mind may be telling you. People are generally focused on themselves.
    Feeling like an outsider in a group of people who know each other is quite normal. Most people respond when you are interested in them – start asking question, anything at all, then see if you may have something in common/interesting to talk about – then your mind will stop focusing on anxiety and you may find yourself enjoying the conversation. At large tables, there will usually be a few social groups that get formed – focus on whatever group you ended up in. The more open you are, the more relaxed you will feel.
    Hope this is helpful.

    Liked by 1 person

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