Lately I feel like I am not living life. It’s like I am stuck in a film, and I am watching this version of myself on a loop. It’s beyond predictable and redundant, it’s disheartening.
I know that I need structure, but I feel like the borg someday; fully assimilated (This is a super nerdy Star Trek reference btw).
The thing is though I didn’t even realize it was happening until I realized it was happening. That sounds odd, but I feel like it’s fairly normal.
It’s funny how we don’t always notice aspects of our life right away. I can usually tell when my wife is upset about something, but rarely can I pinpoint the real cause for my emotions.
I am not writing this to complain or vent, even though this medium does allow me to accomplish both.
So why did I write this?
So that I could figure out what to do about it. When I put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard something clicks and gives me the advantage of viewing my life from a different perspective.
Also it’s an emotional release. I always feel lighter when I empty myself. That sounds so wrong, but I think you get the picture. Writing gives me freedom.
Once I’ve gotten the issue out of my system I am able to start dissecting it and tracing it back to the root cause.
Whenever I get upset about something, I always ask myself questions;
“Is it worth being mad about?”
“Is it something I can even change?”
“What can I do to make myself happy?”
That last one is the most important to me, because if we are unhappy in life we tend to spiral, even if it’s slowly.
For me, unhappiness is like quicksand. Once I slip in, all of my anxiety pushes me down until I suffocate.
And by suffocate, I mean I push everyone away and do whatever ai can to numb myself, to separate me from a reality I can’t handle.
Those are the moments in my life I am doing my damndest to never repeat.
So I question everything that infringes on my happiness and I’ve come to realize that when I do this it enables me to separate the things that are truly important from those that I need to just let go.
Letting go is what I struggle with the most. I get trapped in the idea that I can solve the problem no matter what. When the stark reality is that some things are out of our control, and some mysteries are not meant to be solved.
Yeah that was a lot of rambling to get to my point. I may have even strayed off the path a few times, but in my head it’s all connected and it’s my way of reaching the point.
I don’t like feeling trapped. So when I get stuck in a rut I panic and in the past that leads to me shifting priorities in a very extreme way. Just dumping projects and people to start a new enterprise.
This I can’t do. I refuse to get stuck in that pattern. I’ve come to realize structure and ruts Aren’t what I truly fear.
It’s what they usher in, a much larger pattern of running away and self sabotage.
One of the best parts of blogging, by writing and sharing my story, It gives me the opportunity for self discovery.
The other part is that by sharing I can hopefully help others through similar situations.
Thanks for following me and reading my story and I hope everyone’s having a great day.